I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
