me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
