Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
