I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
from now on my penis is your penis
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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