My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I got chris browned last night
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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