Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize