I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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