I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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