Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
