Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
