i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
