Don't make out with my wife yet
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
