he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
3pm strippers are depressing
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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