she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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