the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
