I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
