When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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