my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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