Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
