areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
