I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
