My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
