Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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