I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
