Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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