yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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