I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
