It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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