i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
