we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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