4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
