In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
