Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
