I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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