when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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