u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
