that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
