and she was petting her beer can
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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