last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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