I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
When did angry sex become our thing?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
