What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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