i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize