I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
