mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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