I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize