i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
