My room smells like vodka and shame
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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