yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he thought i was a dude.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
