Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
