Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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