I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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