You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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