I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
