I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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