a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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