dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
