k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
