We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
