and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Of course I have a pirate flag
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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