All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
