I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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