Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
