i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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