I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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