i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I party with great urgency now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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