nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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