I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
