Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
