Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
