I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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