haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
