apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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